Pickin’ On the Big Ten
EDITOR’S NOTE: Even though Mark Hasty correctly predicted that Indiana would beat his Hawkeyes last Saturday, he was not so secretly holding out hope that he was wrong. That loss — particularly the manner in which it occurred – plus the stress of living in a swing state during an election year finally got to him. He is currently an inpatient at the Kotite Center, being treated for Invertebrate Coaching Exposure Syndrome. We expect him back next week.
We took a flyer on who should replace him. We wanted somebody who would be at the top of his or her game right now so we went with The Disgusted-Sounding Woman Who Does All The Voiceovers For Campaign Attack Ads since she’s been so busy lately. Unfortunately, it turns out she should probably have taken the week off too. But it’s too late to do anything about it now. Here you go; we are SO sorry.
(deedly, creepy-sounding piano music begins)
MINNESOTA AT ILLINOIS
“Tim Beckman wants you to think he’s some sort of defensive mastermind. He even has the nerve to call himself ‘a former defensive coordinator.’ ‘Former’ is right. Under Tim Beckman, Illinois ranks dead last in the Big Ten in offense and defense. People For Achieving First Downs gave Beckman the worst rating they’ve given to any former mid-major head coach suddenly promoted to a BCS league since …
“Call Tim Beckman. Tell him Illinois doesn’t have enough mountains to be Colorado.” Minnesota 34, Illinois 13.
WISCONSIN AT INDIANA
“How long will Bret Bielema live in the past? He wants you to believe that his record speaks for himself. Well, it does. He has never won a national championship. He has never even won a Rose Bowl. Just days into this season he even fired his offensive line coach. Why? What is Bret Bielema trying to hide?
“He won’t tell you … but we will. It’s the collapse of his running game. He has all the resources a coach could ever want, but his rushing offense has fallen all the way to fifth in the Big Ten. Now that he’s destroyed Wisconsin’s rushing offense, he wants to start in on its passing offense too. He’s benching his experienced quarterback in favor of an unproven underclassman. Where will Bret Bielema stop?
“Call Bret Bielema. Tell him no matter how many times he shuffles the deck chairs, it’s still the Titanic.
“Why do I keep telling you to call people? You’re not ever going to talk to them. You’re going to talk to some intern who probably has explicit instructions to ignore the crazy people who keep calling and saying exactly the same thing.” Indiana 30, Wisconsin 24.
PURDUE AT IOWA
“Some people just can’t handle it when their ideas fail. Take Kir … LISTEN PEOPLE, I ASKED FOR A GRANDE SIX-PUMP PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE WITH EXTRA CINNAMON FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO. WHAT ARE THEY DOING, WAITING FOR A NEW COFFEE BUSH TO GROW? WHAT DOES A TALENTED AND SUCCESSFUL VOICEOVER ARTIST HAVE TO DO TO GET HER CAFFEINE AND SUGAR BUZZ AROUND HERE? THE ANSWER SHOULD BE ‘NOTHING.’ IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME LIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN. YOU KNOW I CAN’T EVEN USE MY REAL VOICE IN PUBLIC BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP THROWING THINGS AT ME IF THEY HEAR IT? COME ON, I WANT MY LATTE. NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, NEITHER OF THESE TEAMS IS GOING TO A BOWL GAME ANYWAY OR IF THEY DO IT’LL BE NAMED AFTER SOME KIND OF GRANOLA BAR THEY ONLY SELL AT DOLLAR STORES IN SKETCHY NEIGHBORHOODS. LATTE. NOW. OR I’M WALKING OUT.” Iowa 21, Purdue 17.
NORTHWESTERN AT MICHIGAN
“Why can’t Pat Fitzgerald get a break? Even though he has the ranked team and Brady Hoke doesn’t, the Vegas oddsmakers say Michigan is nearly a ten-point favorite. What is Michigan trying to hide?
“It’s trying to hide its connections to Big Odds, that’s what. What sort of connections? Michigan actually has the nerve to offer a degree in statistics. What they don’t want you to know is that part of learning statistics is learning about probabilities. You know … odds.
“Call Brady Hoke. Tell him you’re not falling for his game of hiding Michigan’s connections to Big Odd … FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE, EVERY UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY TEACHES STATISTICS. THERE AREN’T ENOUGH ZEROES IN MY PAYCHECK TO KEEP SPOUTING SOME OF THIS CRAP. NOBODY FAKES SINCERITY BETTER THAN I DO. YOU BETTER PAY UP IF YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP DOING THIS. PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO REALIZE I AM DOING EVERY AD ABOUT EVERY CANDIDATE SO I’M AT 14:59 AND COUNTING.” Northwestern 29, Michigan 27.
PENN STATE AT NEBRASKA
“Bill O’Brien wants you to believe that Penn St … GET ME MY AGENT. I HAVE SOME STANDARDS, PEOPLE. OH, I’D BETTER READ THE SCRIPT OR YOU’LL CANCEL MY CONTRACT? TWO WORDS: BOO. HOO. I’M RECORDING THIRTY-SIX MORE ADS AFTER LUNCH. LIKE I NEED YOU. AND YOU NEVER GOT ME MY LATTE EITHER. I’M GONE. DELETE MY NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE OR YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER.” Nebraska 38, Penn State 31.
Next week’s games:
- Purdue at Illinois: Somebody will actually sit outside in Illinois in mid-November to watch this
- Iowa at Michigan: Not a chance, people
- Northwestern at Michigan State: Rest of Legends Division hoping somehow both teams can lose
- Minnesota at Nebraska: Would be a trap game if UNL had a reason to take Iowa seriously
- Indiana at Penn State: IU can lose this game and still make it to Indy
- Ohio State at Wisconsin: In which Mr. Bielema learns Urban Meyer ain’t Jim Tressel